Alone

*This is what I'm searching for...*

Loneliness is a strange thing but it is no stranger to me. It is always there, pushed down by laughter but rising up to bring me to tears in the night. Tonight is one of those nights. As I lie here in the darkness i can feel it weighing me down. Eventually I give into it and let the pain wash over me, the tears trickling down my face as the silent sobs wrack my body...

I feel strong arms wrap around me, pulling me close to a warm body. I surrender to the embrace, breathing in his familiar scent, listening to his heart beat and marveling in his very presence. He holds me close as I gasp out the last sobs, brushing the hair from my face and then leaning in to kiss the tears from my cheeks. His lips are rough and his hands are calloused but gentle. He murmurs soothingly, letting me know that I am safe. We don't need any more words, he understands me, knows more about me than I do. He has saved me.

If you have never been truly alone, seperated from others, then you cannot realise how painful it is or the joy that comes from finding someone who can let you out. Imagine not knowing how to express yourself, trapped beneath the facade of a person you do not know, aching with jealousy at the ease with which others share their feelings. Imagine that no-one really knows who you are, no-one is ever given the chance to see the real you, and that you can never really feel comfortable around anyone. Imagine destroying every relationship you have because even simple intimacy is too frightening and is beyond you. Imagine being forever unable to reveal what lies beneath your surface. I'll forgive you if you can't imagine it. Just know that it is no way to live and that I would never wish it upon anyone.

His lips have found mine and he kisses me slowly with such tenderness. Easing away all of my pain, dulling the harsh memories and awakening something deep within me that fills me with warmth. With a shock I realise that I am happy, truly happy, something that I have not been for a very long time. I kiss him back, my mouth quirking into a smile as I let the warmth spread within me.

After being haunted by loneliness for your whole life, lost within yourself and unable to escape, imagine how it must feel to find someone who can see into you and know exactly who you are. I don't think you can. It is a feeling beyond description; mere words cannot explain it. It is amazing. the world seems a brighter place, as though a veil has been lifted from your sight. After so long I had given up, resigned to remain trapped. Not expecting to find someone capable of easing my torment.

But now I have. That is all I can think of as I lie here with him. The grief that had consumed me moments before has been blown away. I realise that maybe loneliness and I will no longer be so well acquainted.